my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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