Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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