Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
