She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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