sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize