I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
