Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
