so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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