I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I want her autograph on my taint
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
