some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
