Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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