ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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