im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
