There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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