Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
His nipple licking is glorious
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