You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
