Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
