we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
