oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize