Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
