My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
either way he was missing a nipple.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
