why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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