He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
