well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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