The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
