The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
