Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
