Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize