I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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