he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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