When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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