My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
