is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
