Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
