i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
