i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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