A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
