Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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