if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
