Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
