I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
