I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
