There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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