my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
