My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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