im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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