Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
