yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
