Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
