The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize