dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
