i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
