I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
that is very illegal...i love you.
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