A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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