i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
That's when you crack a 10am beer
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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