I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
