Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
