just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
