Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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