My liver just broke up with me...
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
